


and i am not your protagonist, i’m not even my own

by FREE_FREEMAN



Category: Half-Life VR But The AI Is Self Aware
Genre: Angst, Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Comfort, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Gen, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Mental Breakdown, Panic Attacks, Trigger Warnings, because i didn't fucking put warnings, car accident (mentioned and slightly described), i dont really care how you interpret it, i literally just made him up on the spot, just in case, no beta we die like half life scientists, pressure to talk about trauma, the frenrey content is up to you whether its platonic or romantic, the oc is not that important lol, there are two sections of this that deal with those and i don't want someone to get hurt, to take place as gordon's ex
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-10-27
Updated: 2020-10-27
Packaged: 2021-03-09 05:54:10
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,435
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27219724
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/FREE_FREEMAN/pseuds/FREE_FREEMAN
Summary: But it was fine. He could handle it this time. It was fine.
Relationships: Benrey & Gordon Freeman, Benrey/Gordon Freeman
Comments: 8
Kudos: 173





	and i am not your protagonist, i’m not even my own

**Author's Note:**

> so uh i just like. had this brainwave MONTHS ago. and then i forgot about it. and then i started falling out of hlvrai ghsghdsjkghds
> 
> so i decided to try and finish it (along with a bunch of other one shots that i'll be posting as well at some point) so i didn't just have it sitting in my drive and making me feel like a disappointment :]
> 
> so here it is! gordon panic momence!
> 
> also real quick trigger warnings just in case. i don't know if anyone will need these, but i want to be careful just in case someone skipped over the tags:  
> -pressure to talk about trauma  
> -car crash (mentioned and slightly described)

It was going to storm later. Gordon stared at the little thundercloud icon in the weather app and swallowed, thinking about the last time a storm happened and he nearly burned his arm trying to make dinner when thunder ripped from the sky. Benrey had finished most of the cooking for him and they ate spaghetti in silence.

But it was fine. He could handle it this time. It was fine.

* * *

Mike wanted to talk. Alone. He sent Joshua inside after Gordon said goodbye and then closed the front door, staring the physicist down… concernedly?

“What happened to you?”

Gordon fumbled for an excuse. “Wh-um, what do you mean?”

His ex sighed. “You know what I mean. You go into work Friday, I assume. The next day, you don’t show up to pick up Josh, so I go over to your apartment and it’s empty. And you don’t come back the next day, or the next, and then Wednesday you finally call me and ask if I can keep Josh for the next month. I figure something happened that you don’t want to talk about, so I just agree. Then when you _do_ show up to take him for the weekend again, your arm’s a prosthetic and you look like you’ve aged 10 years.”

Gordon was speechless. Almost. “I… yeah, that must’ve been…” He shook his head. “Look, as much as I want to talk about it, I can’t.”

Mike narrowed his eyes. “If you want to talk about it, then talk about it.” He cracked a wry little smile. “Unless you don’t trust me anymore.”

“No! N-no, that’s not it.” Gordon ran a hand through his hair—the prosthetic one, he was now acutely aware. “I… I literally _can’t_ talk about it. For like, legal reasons.” He let out a humorless laugh. “Or else I’ll probably be hunted down and killed by some government agent or something.” He hated that he wasn’t exaggerating.

The man standing across from him just stared at the mess of a human being in front of him and shook his head slightly. “Is there anything at all that you _can_ tell me? Just so I have some kind of an idea what happened?”

Gordon swallowed, suddenly terrified of speaking. One wrong word, a little too much information, and he’d be dead. At this point, he wouldn’t put it past Black Mesa to be listening to every word he said. So he put it as vaguely as he could. “There was an accident at work. That’s all I can say.”

Without another word, not wanting to be subjected to more questions, he turned and started walking to his car. Mike would probably try and weasel more information out of him, but that was fine. A problem for future Gordon to deal with. It was fine.

* * *

Bubby and Coomer had gotten into a car accident. Bubby had sent Gordon a picture of their car, crushed to hell and in flames in a ditch. Neither of them were hurt, of course, but that didn’t stop Gordon from pulling over to the side of the road and taking a breather. Head resting on the steering wheel, he took deep breaths. In 5 seconds, out 5 seconds, in 5 seconds, out 5 seconds.

They were fine. Their car was fucked, but they were fine. Gordon set his eyes on the road again. It was fine.

* * *

Gordon opened the door to his apartment and it was empty. There was no one in the bathroom or kitchen, on the couch, not even hiding in his or Joshua’s bedroom. Something about that unnerved him. He remembered just a month ago, he would’ve been more than happy that Benrey had left. But now he felt himself feeling… vulnerable.

He shook his head. No, he was a grown-ass man. He didn’t need anyone to protect him, he could handle himself. Even if his roommate just up and disappeared in the time he took to drop off his son. Without a single hint as to where they went. That was fine. It was fine.

* * *

The lights went out when Gordon was taking a shower. The bulbs flickered and then went dark with a soft click. He let out a yelp and stumbled, just barely catching himself from falling and cracking his head on the shower wall. He turned off the water ⏤ he was nearly done anyway ⏤ and went to open the shower curtain…

And froze. His hand clutched the plastic, but refused to move. He slowly lowered himself to the shower floor, wrapping his arms around his knees. He wanted to dry off, but he was afraid of leaving. He was cold, but he couldn’t move. He was shaking, and he screwed his eyes shut as if he could will the lights to turn back on. What if someone was out there? What if the soldiers were back? What if he lost another limb? His mind raced with ‘what if’s until he couldn’t think of anything else.

Suddenly, there was another soft click and his eyes snapped open again. The lights were back on. Slowly, carefully, he stood up again, peeking out from behind the shower curtain. Once he deemed it safe, he stepped out of the shower and started drying off the rest of the way. He was fine. It was fine.

* * *

Gordon was tired. He was so fucking tired. He knew he should probably eat something, but right now, he just wanted to sleep for 20 years. Sadly, the bathroom was uncomfortable literally everywhere. And small. And it reminded him of the trash compactor, which reminded him of⏤

He shook his head, not wanting to go down that road again. Not twice in one night. He opened the door, prepared to make a beeline for his room, until he caught movement out of the corner of his eye. He jumped, which caused whatever was on the couch to turn around. Yellow, cat-like eyes scrutinized him, looking him up and down as if trying to see straight through him. “you good?”

Benrey.

Holy shit, Benrey was okay.

He hadn’t even realized that he was worrying about the alien until relief hit him like a train. He felt his knees buckle beneath him as everything that went wrong during the day came crashing down on him all at once. He felt the tears flowing freely down his face and he hunched over, putting his head to his knees, trying to block out the rest of the world. Maybe if he tried hard enough, he could use pure will to drop himself into the void, far away from every living being, where he could be miserable and pathetic in peace.

“holy shit dude, are you okay?” Ah, so no void yet. He could tell that Benrey was hovering over him, probably unsure of what to do or wondering what would and would not earn them a slap to the face. Gordon couldn’t help the small laugh that escaped through the tears.

“No. No, I-I don’t think I am.”

“you uh… you wanna move to the couch or something? floor doesn’t look comfy.”

Gordon took a few shaky breaths before responding. “Yeah.” He slowly looked up to find Benrey offering their hand to him. With a wobbly smile, he took it, letting the guard help him up. Neither of them let go, even after they had reached the couch.

“so uh… what’s rattling around in that brain of yours? makin’ you sad?” Oh, god, there was so much. Practically  _ everything _ had gone wrong today. Gordon didn’t even know where to begin. But Benrey didn’t rush him. He could take his time.

When he found his words, he let his mouth take over. At some point, he had started crying again, but he just kept going and going and going. Once he had started, he couldn’t stop. He felt like a blubbering mess (and to be honest, that’s exactly what he was), but this was the first chance all day he had gotten to vent and by god, he was taking it.

Benrey was silent during the whole thing, never laughing or making a single noise. Just sitting there, listening attentively, never letting go of Gordon’s hand. It was… sweet. Kept him grounded.

When Gordon finished, Benrey still didn’t say anything. They simply opened their arms, if a little hesitantly, in a silent offer of a hug. Gordon accepted, relishing in the contact. He was tired. He was so fucking tired. It was only 5 PM, but every bone in his body was screaming for sleep. So he relented, finally letting himself rest.

**Author's Note:**

> free-freeman.tumblr.com <\- yell at me :]


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